Thoughts On My 20th Wedding Anniversary

 

Thoughts on my 20^th Wedding Anniversary…

 

Sitting on my bed. Pondering what the hell I’m doing with my life. Sifting through a plethora of self-help books mingled with my favorite Kahlil Gibran writings.

I can’t help but replay the choices in my life that have led me to this very moment.

 

Today is July 10, 2024. 

20 years ago, I was marrying the father of my out-of-wedlock, unexpected & unplanned baby. We had known each other a total of 6 months. By month 4 we found out I was pregnant, and a wedding was quickly planned by the families.

 

20 years, five kids, too many animals to list, and several houses later… here I sit. Alone. Without my husband on our anniversary. The divorce is not final. It hasn’t even started. But we’ve been “separated” for one year.

 

14 months ago, I had an affair. It was passionate. It felt like magic. It swept me away. It was brief. And it ruined my life. But something awoke inside me that I could barely recall feeling only once before a very long time ago. Just 18 years old. First love. First sex. Falling. Floating. Then in an instant, he was gone…. never to be seen again. This would haunt me for quite some time. And here I was at 40 and it felt exactly the same. The feelings came flooding back. I had buried them for so long. But there they were. So fresh and alive. I felt like I was a young girl all over again. It was exhilarating. It was childish. It was a mistake. But it was also a blessing. Perhaps. In a way. It showed me I could feel things again.

 

4 years ago, my husband told me he loved another woman. Nothing had happened between them physically. But he had created an emotional connection with her. And one day, after a couple months of intense and sudden arguments that often ended with him screaming and releasing what seemed like a lifetime of repressed aggression, he just told me. Just so plainly and calmly. “Sophia, I love…. (insert name here) …”  He didn’t even tell me he didn’t love me anymore. Just that he also loved her. I was speechless. My guts were torn open. I got up and ran. I physically started running away from him down a gravel path. I fell to the ground. The air was stolen from me. I gasped and wailed and threw up. Then I got back up, and with tear-filled eyes, I kept running.

 

I didn’t recover from that. Even as I sit here tonight, I still feel that intense pain in my chest. After that revelation… I still loved him. I just hated him too.

 

Fast forward. 11 months ago, once I was done with the affair, and after a couple flings, I entered the online dating scene. I quickly connected with an incredibly handsome, kind, intelligent, interesting, French Canadian gentleman 13 years my senior, with the sexiest accent you ever did hear.  We just clicked. First, physically. The attraction and passion were instantaneous. But then, much to my surprise, we realized it was more than that. We agreed on things of a spiritual and religious nature. We saw eye to eye on most political and controversial topics. We made each other laugh. And we always had something to talk about. He stimulated my mind in addition to my body. And I fell hard and fast. I knew I was head over heels in love with this man. But then things got …. interesting. We had our first argument. And we fought with the same intensity as when we fucked. The roller coaster had begun. Super high highs and incredibly low lows. He is a free spirit. He is a selfish man. If I wanted us to be together, I had to go to him. And I did. I drove 2 hours every day so we could be together. I set aside everything else in my life to be a part of his. I learned early on that he had no interest in joining me in any of my interests or being involved in my life. This would eventually be the cause of our demise. He was always “there” for me…. just never “here” for me. I don’t expect a lot. I know we all want to say we’re the cool girlfriend that is not overbearing and controlling. BUT I actually think that’s true about me. (I learned a long time ago in my marriage that I cannot and should not want to control my spouse. The more I let him be him, the more I saw his value and gained a deep love that comes from time and a shift of expectations.) I went in with zero expectations or desires to change this man. I love him the way he is. But I also know what I deserve. And that is someone who will run to me when I say, “I just need you with me right now”.  Someone who will drop what he’s doing to be with me because I’m his top priority. Someone who shows up to my son's birthday party simply because the child asked him to be there. This beautiful man refuses to be that person for me. He refuses to show up. He often says, “I’ve tried my best, but I don’t even come close to satisfying you.”  But I think he’s the one that’s not satisfied. It has now been 3 nights since our last break up. And I don’t know if I’ll see him again.

 

My heart hurts tonight. A deep ache.

 On this, the 20^th Anniversary of my marriage to the coolest guy I’ve ever known, I celebrate the beautiful and crazy life we built together. All our achievements and heartbreaks. The love, the hate, the forgiveness and, most of all, the deep friendship that can never be broken.

I also feel an abundance of sorrow for the pain I caused him & my children through my choices. I know I can’t undo any of it. And I’m sorry.

 

I am alone.

In this moment I feel unwanted, unlovable, undesirable, and lonely.

As I mourn the loss of my marriage and simultaneously long to cling to a man that I love but cannot keep, I know what I have to do.

 

Sleep.

Wake up.

And CHOOSE to be alone.

 

I choose myself.

I choose my kids.

I choose to keep loving …

ME.

 

 

 

 

 

Has It Really Been A Year?

I'm finally at it again.  I can't believe it's been a whole year!  At this time last year I was super excited for all the changes that were on the horizon.  So much has happened and I regret not blogging about all of it as it occurred. There were so many ups and downs. 2013 was packed full of really happy moments and extremely sad ones. So here is my attempt at writing a brief summary of a years worth of LIFE.  

We bought our dream house and remodeled it a bit before (and after) moving in. The home buying process was intense and there were times I thought I might lose my mind, but it was all worth it.  The move from the rental house was exhausting since I was 9 months pregnant by the time we were finally sleeping at the "new house" (June 30th).  

                   

(above)37 weeks along. 8 days before arrival. 

Still packing and scrubbing the rental house.

 (below) About an hour after giving birth.

We welcomed Vincent Elliot Price into our family on July 1st. (Yes, we realize his name is Vincent Price....we did that on purpose). The experience was so amazing and finding the words to describe it is nearly impossible for me.  It was my first time with a Midwife, and my first water birth.  I'm sure I'll write about that experience exclusively at another time. 

I closed Sophia's Home Preschool, and had to say goodbye to all the little angels that I'd grown so attached to.  I miss them all the time.  Luckily, I get to see most of them every so often. That was an enriching chapter of my life. I feel so lucky to have been able to have my own business.  Nothing is more rewarding than watching children learn and grow.  


I turned 30! It finally happened. Yikes!

We got a new ride. Very much like the one I grew up riding in. We love her.

I quit using online school for my kiddos and started a more traditional form of homeschooling.  We turned one of the rooms in our new house into a classroom.  It is so nice having everything in one place and having a space free from distractions (mostly).  

We took an epic trip to Disneyland with the entire Price family (21 of us) at the end of August.  This was an incredibly meaningful trip, as it was my father-in-law's dying wish to see all his grandchildren at Disneyland. It's truly a miracle that everything timed out the way it did. Papa was a trooper as he suffered through quite a few flights, layovers, 100 degree weather, and a lot of pain. It was a trip we will never forget. 

Papa with Aunt Patty, his sister

On September 22, 2013 Papa Rick passed away after years of battling cancer.  We were all so relieved that he would not suffer any longer. Yet I have never felt such sadness.  I miss him always.  He was a beautiful person. I always felt like we had a special bond.  I wouldn't be surprised if everyone felt that way about him.  He was just that kind of person. So kind. So generous. I cherish the special times we spent together during those last few months of his life. 

We added a new furry friend to the family. His name is Alexander the Great. He is an 8 year old Persian. Just another one of my babies.  

And there you go! One of the most eventful and trying years of my life has come and gone.  I'm feeling healthy & happy, and very positive about the future. I am grateful for all of my blessings and recognize that it is only through our trials that we are able to grow. 

  

Is Cloth For You?

I enjoy using cloth to diaper my two youngest babes. I personally feel that the pros outweigh the cons. That may not be the case for everyone though, so it's important to know the facts. There are some downsides to cloth diapering that should be considered before taking the dive. Here are five reasons NOT to cloth diaper:

1.Your parents (relatives) might think you're crazy.  There was once a day when their only option was cloth diapering and they remember it as a messy business involving painful, poky pins!  Why CHOOSE to go through that when there's an easier option out there? They may roll their eyes at you when you whip out that cloth diaper instead of a convenient disposable. If that is going to bother you, then this may not be the best choice for your family.  

2. It is more TIME consuming. Some enthusiasts will tell you that it isn't, but it is. Putting them on takes slightly longer.  Some diapers require stuffing the insides into the outer cover which takes a few extra minutes every day.  And the most time consuming part of all....... WASHING them!  Most even require line drying which adds to the time it takes before they are wearable again. If you are pretty good at keeping up with the laundry then you'll do fine.  If laundry gets done only once a week at your house and you're not willing to change that pattern, then you may want to reconsider. 

3. You have to carry used cloth diapers around with you while you're out and about.  There's no tossing them in the trash.  Plus they take up more space in your diaper bag/purse than disposable diapers do. 

4. They can be expensive! You may have to make a substantial investment in the very beginning to purchase whichever cloth diapers you choose to use.  Somewhere between $100 to $600 depending on the brand of diaper, whether or not you buy them new, and how many you buy.

5. The SMELL. Even if you wash dirty diapers every day (which I suggest doing), you still have to handle them to get them from the pail to the washing machine.  The ammonia smell from the urine can be quite strong, especially as your baby gets older.  And then there's the poo!  That's just going to stink no matter what.   

And there you have it.  My top 5 reasons why cloth diapering may not be "for you".  And that's JUST FINE! 

I do hope you will also read about the positive things cloth diapering can do for you and your family before making your decision. 

A NEW YEAR

Here's to a Fabulous 2013!

My Goals

STARTING OFF RIGHT
To kick off the new year we did some hiking and adventuring as a family.  One of our goals this year is to be more physically active as a family unit.  The kids have always enjoyed the outdoors and are very excited to take on this challenge. So far we've hiked up a nearby (small) mountain where we had a picnic at the top, and taken a ferry ride to the islands to explore a bit.  Both outings have been a success.  I hope to post pictures from our outings throughout the year.

My husband and kids squinting in the sunshine before hiking the mountain.

On the Ferry.

CHANGES ON THE HORIZON
Our family has some exciting things to look forward to in 2013. We will be shopping for a new house,  having a baby in July, and switching from a virtual online academy (which is still "public school") to traditional homeschooling.  Life just keeps getting better. I will do my best to update my blog with posts on Homeschooling, Natural Birthing, and House Hunting!  

CONTINUOUS FRUGALITY 
For those of you who are curious, our monthly food budget of $275 is still going strong, we have eaten only homemade bread since the beginning of October 2012, and the kids are surviving just fine without juice and prepackaged snacks.  If one of your goals for the new year is to become more frugal with your grocery budget take a look at my previous post Cutting Costs Shopping List.  It will give you a starting point. If it seems impossible, believe me, it's not.  We went from spending over $700 per month on our family of 6 to spending less than $300.  All it takes is motivation to get started and dedication to keep it up. 

STAYING POSITIVE IN A WORLD OF NEGATIVITY
With all the upcoming changes in my life there are sure to be challenges and struggles.  Busy days full of stress and frustration.  I hope that I can make good choices for myself and my children and strive to be a source of goodness in my home.  As I read words of the Prophets, both living and dead, I will learn more of God's plan for me.  Studying the scriptures builds faith, understanding, and leads to wisdom & happiness.  And that's what our Father in Heaven truly wants for His children....to be HAPPY!    

I know I'm a month late, but I wish you all a very productive, healthy, and HAPPY new year!  

Our Daily Bread

Our family started eating only home made breads just over two months ago.  We are still going strong and I wanted to share my favorite recipe with you.  This is what we eat for our every day, all-purpose bread.  I use the same recipe, but alternate using whole wheat flour, or white flour.  It tastes great both ways.  The kids actually prefer whole wheat, but my husband loves his white bread, so I've made an exception.  I have even mixed different types of flour together when we're running low, and it still turns out great.  This recipe, of course, comes from  my Bread Cookbook that I posted about previously.  The book automatically flips open to this page, now that I've baked approximately 40 loaves of this particular bread recipe.  

 Delicious White Bread!  

QUICK AND EASY WHITE BREAD (or whole wheat)

2 packages dry granular yeast (or 4 1/2 tsp. if using a jar)

1/3 cup lukewarm water

2 teaspoons sugar

2 cups scalded milk

2 tablespoons sugar or honey

2 teaspoons salt

1 tablespoon instant mashed potato mix, mixed with

1/4 cup lukewarm water

2 tablespoons soft butter

6 cups unbleached white flour (you can substitute whole wheat flour, just use a bit less)

melted butter

Dissolve yeast in lukewarm water, add 2 teaspoons sugar; stir.  Cover and set aside until foaming and doubled in volume.  In a large mixing bowl combine the milk, sugar, salt, instant mashed potato mix dissolved in lukewarm water, and butter.  Mix well.  Cool to lukewarm.  Add yeast mixture and 2 cups flour and beat until the batter is smooth.  Add 2 more cups of flour, beating well, then just enough flour to make a soft but firm dough.  Turn out onto a lightly floured board and knead for 10 minutes until smooth and elastic.  Shape into a ball and place in a warm, well-greased bowl, turning the dough to grease top.  Cover and let rise in a warm place until doubled in bulk (about 1 to 1 1/2 hours).  Punch down.  Divide dough in half and shape into two smooth balls Let rest 10 minutes.  Shape into two loaves.  Place in greased and lightly floured 8- or 9- inch bread pans.  Cover and let rise again until doubled in bulk, about 1 hour.  Brush tops with warm melted butter.  Bake in a 400 F. oven for 25 minutes, reduce heat to 375 F and continue to bake until the loaves are golden brown and test done.  Cool on wire racks.  

IMPORTANT TIPS:  I only bake my loaves at 400 for 13 minutes, and then at 375 for an additional 8 to 10 minutes.  My oven tends to be super hot and bake things quicker than necessary so there was some trial and error involved with figuring out these baking times.  

Also, make sure the melted butter you brush on the loaves before baking is not too hot.  This will totally sabotage all the rising the bread has done and your loaves will shrivel and flatten.  Not a pretty sight.

Same recipe, but with Whole Wheat Flour!

Don't let the name of the bread recipe fool you.  It is not "quick" by any means.  It takes between 4 to 5 hours from start to finish.  But it is worth it.  Please try it out and let me know what you think!

MOTHER TESTED, KID APPROVED!!!

My beautiful Phoebe JoLee on one of our "early morning bread days".  

Getting straight to work.  No time for a hairbrush.  

One month down!

We made it!  One month under our belts and many lessons learned.  Overall I feel like our first month, with a grocery budget of $275 for a family of 6, eating all whole and homemade foods, has been a success.  In addition to my original shopping list, I had to add more butter, another 5 lbs of ground beef, more yeast, some barley, more onions, some garlic, more apples, some bananas, white flour (for certain baking projects), and several gallons of whole milk. 

LET'S TALK MONEY

Our first shopping trip cost us $197.00, leaving me $78.00 to work with.  I spent a total of  $92.00 on the additional shopping trips.  Leaving me with a total expenditure of $289.00.  I went over budget by $14.00. I think I can manage to find ways to cut out that extra $14 this month.  

NOW FOR THE RESULTS

I have to admit that this is the hardest thing I've ever done in my life! (And I've given birth a few times).  I feel successful in a lot of ways, but there are still some areas that need some practice.  

By far the most challenging part has been the constant bread baking.  But I'm glad I can say that I haven't had any store-bought bread, of any kind, in 36 days!  I tried to plan the bread baking for Mondays and Fridays.  Two loaves each time.  Giving us 4 loaves per week.  We could have easily gone through more, but we managed to make it work.  Phoebe (3) LOVES bread days.  We put on our aprons and get to work in the kitchen together as soon as I'm done exercising; around 6:15.  At first I found her to be a distraction (I've always had a hard time having "helpers" when I'm cooking), but now I look forward to this special time we have together. I hope it becomes a tradition that she'll remember fondly when she's grown.  The whole process from start to finish takes about 4 hours.  While the bread rises and bakes, we clean house, have breakfast, get everyone ready for the day, and start school with the older two.  The simple act of baking bread has changed our whole routine for the better.  

One thing that needs some work is my Homemade Yogurt.  Tried once and failed.  I will try again soon.  Wish me luck!

I have found it necessary to become much more creative with my meals. I feel like this has been fairly successful. We have had all sorts of soups and stews and chili.  We have tried different ways of re-using leftovers.  Eating on this type of a budget means having a smaller variety of food/ingredients at your fingertips. We have the same sorts of meals over and over again, so it's been important to me to try and tweak them just enough to make it seem like it's something new or different. 

I am amazed at how huge of an impact this has had on my children. Simply cutting out prepackaged snacks and goodies (full of artificial coloring and other questionable ingredients), and juices (which are full of unnecessary sugars and calories), has made them more alert, more active, less grouchy, and less hungry all the time.  Lucy (7) and Frankie (6) have been more attentive during their schooling. They are able to stay focused longer, get distracted less, and we have less whining going on in general. They even sleep better at night.  They are used to grabbing a carrot or an apple when they get hungry for a snack.  Even Greta (13 months) eats an entire apple every day!  

I could go on and on about all the wonderful blessings we have seen in the past month.

ON A MORE PERSONAL & SPIRITUAL NOTE

Somehow, by making these changes, I have increased my workload, yet simultaneously simplified my life drastically.  I'm still trying to wrap my brain around it. Money is being saved, order has been established, goals have been set and achieved, and our lives are healthier and richer.  I am astonished that just over a month ago I felt overwhelmed with my life and it seemed like there were never enough hours in the day.  But today I feel more productive and optimistic than ever. It's true that, through God, weak things can be made strong.  As I stay focused on the simple parts of life that matter most, I am fulfilled and happy.  

   








    

"WOO your husband and WOW your friends!"

Best Bread Cookbook in the world!  I absolutely love it. 

 It was published in 1969 and there are several recipes that I use on a regular basis.  

Any book that begins with the words,

"Woo your husband and wow your friends" is a  MUST HAVE.  How funny is that?!  Really though, it's fabulous!

While I have found everyday bread recipes that are less time consuming and also pretty tasty, the breads in this book are still my favorite.  

The Sourdough Bread recipe I tried out this week turned out yummy so I'll share it with you.

Sourdough Starter:

1 cup unbleached flour

1 cup water, room temperature

3 rounded teaspoons sugar

Combine flour, water and sugar.  Beat with a whisk or rotary beater until thoroughly blended. Pour into a wide-mouthed jar (large enough to allow the starter to expand).  Let stand, covered lightly, in a warm place for 2 to 3 days until the mixture is bubbly.  Mix with a fork, beating slightly, every day.  

my starter on day 2

Sourdough Bread:

1 cup sourdough starter

1 1/2 packages dry granular yeast

1 rounded tablespoon sugar

1 1/4 cups lukewarm water

2 tablespoons shortening (butter or margarine)

2 cups rye flour

2 1/2 cups unbleached or all-purpose flour plus 1/2 cup for board

2 teaspoons salt

1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon caraway seeds (optional)

egg yolk beaten with 1 tablespoon water

Put sourdough starter in a large mixing bowl.  In the meantime dissolve yeast and sugar in the lukewarm water.  Cover lightly and let stand for 10 minutes until the mixture begins to foam.  Add to sourdough start; mix, then add the shortening.  Gradually add rye flour and 1 cup white flour.  Beat vigorously with a wooden spoon for 5 minutes.  Add salt and baking soda to remaining flour together with the seeds.  Mix and add to sourdough mixture.  Beat well.  Knead on a floured board for 5 minutes; then turn into a warm greased bowl.  Cover with a light towel and set aside in a warm place until doubled in bulk, about 1 to 1 1/2 hours.  Turn out onto a floured board and knead until smooth and free from stickiness.  Shape into two round loaves.  Place in two well-greased and lightly floured ovenproof 1 quart bowls.  Cover and set aside in a warm place until doubled in bulk. Bake in a preheated 400 degrees F. oven for 45 to 50 minutes until golden brown.  Tap loaves; when they sound hollow they are done.  For a beautiful glossy golden brown, brush loaves with beaten egg yolk before placing in oven.  Cool on wire racks.  

I love the glossy look of these loaves.  

I recommend using this bread with any soups, stews, chili, salads, even sandwiches! It is truly a versatile bread!