Thoughts On My 20th Wedding Anniversary

 

Thoughts on my 20^th Wedding Anniversary…

 

Sitting on my bed. Pondering what the hell I’m doing with my life. Sifting through a plethora of self-help books mingled with my favorite Kahlil Gibran writings.

I can’t help but replay the choices in my life that have led me to this very moment.

 

Today is July 10, 2024. 

20 years ago, I was marrying the father of my out-of-wedlock, unexpected & unplanned baby. We had known each other a total of 6 months. By month 4 we found out I was pregnant, and a wedding was quickly planned by the families.

 

20 years, five kids, too many animals to list, and several houses later… here I sit. Alone. Without my husband on our anniversary. The divorce is not final. It hasn’t even started. But we’ve been “separated” for one year.

 

14 months ago, I had an affair. It was passionate. It felt like magic. It swept me away. It was brief. And it ruined my life. But something awoke inside me that I could barely recall feeling only once before a very long time ago. Just 18 years old. First love. First sex. Falling. Floating. Then in an instant, he was gone…. never to be seen again. This would haunt me for quite some time. And here I was at 40 and it felt exactly the same. The feelings came flooding back. I had buried them for so long. But there they were. So fresh and alive. I felt like I was a young girl all over again. It was exhilarating. It was childish. It was a mistake. But it was also a blessing. Perhaps. In a way. It showed me I could feel things again.

 

4 years ago, my husband told me he loved another woman. Nothing had happened between them physically. But he had created an emotional connection with her. And one day, after a couple months of intense and sudden arguments that often ended with him screaming and releasing what seemed like a lifetime of repressed aggression, he just told me. Just so plainly and calmly. “Sophia, I love…. (insert name here) …”  He didn’t even tell me he didn’t love me anymore. Just that he also loved her. I was speechless. My guts were torn open. I got up and ran. I physically started running away from him down a gravel path. I fell to the ground. The air was stolen from me. I gasped and wailed and threw up. Then I got back up, and with tear-filled eyes, I kept running.

 

I didn’t recover from that. Even as I sit here tonight, I still feel that intense pain in my chest. After that revelation… I still loved him. I just hated him too.

 

Fast forward. 11 months ago, once I was done with the affair, and after a couple flings, I entered the online dating scene. I quickly connected with an incredibly handsome, kind, intelligent, interesting, French Canadian gentleman 13 years my senior, with the sexiest accent you ever did hear.  We just clicked. First, physically. The attraction and passion were instantaneous. But then, much to my surprise, we realized it was more than that. We agreed on things of a spiritual and religious nature. We saw eye to eye on most political and controversial topics. We made each other laugh. And we always had something to talk about. He stimulated my mind in addition to my body. And I fell hard and fast. I knew I was head over heels in love with this man. But then things got …. interesting. We had our first argument. And we fought with the same intensity as when we fucked. The roller coaster had begun. Super high highs and incredibly low lows. He is a free spirit. He is a selfish man. If I wanted us to be together, I had to go to him. And I did. I drove 2 hours every day so we could be together. I set aside everything else in my life to be a part of his. I learned early on that he had no interest in joining me in any of my interests or being involved in my life. This would eventually be the cause of our demise. He was always “there” for me…. just never “here” for me. I don’t expect a lot. I know we all want to say we’re the cool girlfriend that is not overbearing and controlling. BUT I actually think that’s true about me. (I learned a long time ago in my marriage that I cannot and should not want to control my spouse. The more I let him be him, the more I saw his value and gained a deep love that comes from time and a shift of expectations.) I went in with zero expectations or desires to change this man. I love him the way he is. But I also know what I deserve. And that is someone who will run to me when I say, “I just need you with me right now”.  Someone who will drop what he’s doing to be with me because I’m his top priority. Someone who shows up to my son's birthday party simply because the child asked him to be there. This beautiful man refuses to be that person for me. He refuses to show up. He often says, “I’ve tried my best, but I don’t even come close to satisfying you.”  But I think he’s the one that’s not satisfied. It has now been 3 nights since our last break up. And I don’t know if I’ll see him again.

 

My heart hurts tonight. A deep ache.

 On this, the 20^th Anniversary of my marriage to the coolest guy I’ve ever known, I celebrate the beautiful and crazy life we built together. All our achievements and heartbreaks. The love, the hate, the forgiveness and, most of all, the deep friendship that can never be broken.

I also feel an abundance of sorrow for the pain I caused him & my children through my choices. I know I can’t undo any of it. And I’m sorry.

 

I am alone.

In this moment I feel unwanted, unlovable, undesirable, and lonely.

As I mourn the loss of my marriage and simultaneously long to cling to a man that I love but cannot keep, I know what I have to do.

 

Sleep.

Wake up.

And CHOOSE to be alone.

 

I choose myself.

I choose my kids.

I choose to keep loving …

ME.